"I've been competitive with my friends over the years," says Alicia, a 20-year-old from Oxford, Massachusetts. "I thought those feelings would have subsided since I'm in college now, but that's really not the case. I still get jealous if I see one of my friends wearing new dress or passing on a holiday that I can't afford." These feelings are common but can be destructive to friendships.
"You can't get a real relationship with someone if you're jealous of them," says Hattie, nineteen, from London. "[Envy] makes people bitter and angry."
For Holly,* from Wyalusing, Pennsylvania, her big envy issue is weight. "My friends are thin, and I'm not," the fifteen-year-old says. "We go shopping and they can fit into tight shirts and skinny jeans-and I can't." She also gets nervous about being left out. "I get upset when two of my friends who don't acknowledge each other start talking," she admits. "I'm so afraid that they're going to exchange me with each other. I'm really insecure, so it makes me wonder how important I am to them."
"People with low self-esteem have lesser perceptions of themselves, which tends to get them get more envious," van de Ven says. "If they revive the way they see themselves, these negative feelings could go away."
The experts say that, ultimately, envy stems from the perception that person has something you want that's better than what you have. But, in truth, no one (not yet your BFF with the acceptance letter to her choice Ivy) ever feels likeeverything in their lifetime is perfect, which is crucial to continue in judgment when you start comparing yourself with others.
Remember Chelsea with the boy-magnet best friend? "Alice actually told me she's jealous that I get a rage about something-reading and writing-because she doesn't," she says. "It's something I completely take for granted and never thought anyone would be jealous of. Knowing that person wants what you receive makes you look less guilty about missing something they have."
Understanding your emotions may be the beginning step toward dealing with envy issues. "I sometimes get jealous when my friends find boyfriends and drop in love," says Amelia, a fifteen-year-old from Monterey, California. But sheunderstands the beginning of her feelings: "I reckon it comes from not having much experience in relationships. When I see a quaker who has that, I findmyself wishing that person would ask me out. I feel guilt when the person I'm jealous of is really nice, but I can't help being angry because I don't get what they have."
"Jealousy can get in the way of friendships when you get the position of "if I can't make it, then no one else should," Alicia says. "[But it's crucial to see that] everyone has a different lifestyle. With my friends, if one of us gets something new or a guy comes into the video for one of us, we're glad for the individual and evidence support."
Embracing your weaknesses as good as your strengths could also assist you in the long term. While you may be cross about not acquiring the highest test score in form because of Ms. Valedictorian, you can conduct that frustration intosomething positive: You could study harder to try to get the top grade on thenext exam. "Jealousy can discover what is crucial to us and can move us to accomplish something, especially if it's not malicious in nature," says Richard Smith, a social psychologist who studies envy and early social emotions at the University of Kentucky.
But is it very possible to hold a true friendship with someone you're continuously competing with? Yes-as tenacious as you can celebrate your negative feelings in check. Remembering that there isn't a finite number of success, money, or passion is key. "We should feel happy for others when they do well," van de Ven says. If you can't applaud a friend's achievements or she can't support yours, you may want to reconsider your relationship.
In the end, constantly comparing yourself with others is counterproductive and may only control you support from what you can actually accomplish. "As I am getting older, I'm slowly overcoming my envy," Alicia says. "I love it shouldn't affect friendships and that having a close support scheme and good self-esteem will serve me get past those feelings. If you truly need something, you should just keep to turn hard for it and watch your dreams."
--ANNE ICHIKAWA
*Name/location has been changed.
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